my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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