I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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