It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
