Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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