I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
