i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
