dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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