i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she told me i tasted like america
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
