I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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