i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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