i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
