i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Is it penis luge time yet?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i believe in u and ur pee
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
