Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
