pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just pee around me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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