We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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