Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
