Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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