I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Just pee around me
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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