I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
