your thong is hanging out like whoa
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
