That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
