Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize