I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
