Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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