i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
