i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
