Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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