Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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