i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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