So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
