Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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