Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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