How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
