what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
