Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
