why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
