new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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