Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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