I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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