what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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