She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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