i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
