I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
