One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
