Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
