I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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