I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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