he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
