I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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