We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
