I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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