My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
oh god the rape fog is back!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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