a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize