I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
