i would punch a child for taco bell
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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