i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My penis needs a shock collar
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
