Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
