I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize