I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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