Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
