I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
i've created a new STD.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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