she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
