I wish they made helmets for livers.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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