oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize