Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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